Christina at AClosetWriter.com has the ultimate writing stress release, Flip Off Fridays. It's one post every week to blow off steam about what's driving you nuts that day. She was looking for some guest posters. I have a disproportionate need to vent to masses of people. It was kismet.
Thanks to Christina for passing me the Flip Off baton this week! I’m so honored. In New Jersey, flipping off is nearly a sport so you’ve been left in the hands of a seasoned professional. I humbly bring you Friday Flip Offs: Jersey Style.
Jersey based reality shows
The Jersey Shore is not like the show Jersey Shore. We have beautiful beaches, that aren’t filled by drunken skanks. We do not all look, sound, and/or act like that. Between shows Real Housewives and Jerseylicious, most Garden Staters want to scream. We make fun of people like that, who are usually from NY. None of my Italian friends are that mean and tacky. And as a heads up, most of us aren’t Italian. It’s true, we all loved us some hairspray in the 80’s (maybe a little too long into the 90’s), but we’ve moved on to pliable hair. If you saw our property tax bills, you’d understand most of us can’t afford to tan all day. We get enough bad press with all the chemical plants and refineries flanking the airport and I95. (My people call it “The Turnpike.”). We need these jackasses like a hole in the head.
Obnoxious sand kicking kids
Right now, I’m down the Shore. (We don’t say “up/down/over to the beach.” It’s the “Shore” and the North or South thing is irrelevant. But I digress.) I want to relax. Would you PLEASE stop dashing by kicking up truckloads of sand on my InStyle Magazine? Will someone control those urchins? Oh, wait. Sorry everyone. Those are my urchins.
Loudmouths who suck the oxygen from the ocean breeze
We’ve all been in a beach chair (or on an airplane) with the vacationing town crier close by. She’s that total stranger whose voice, by sheer volume and total oblivion, rises above all. She is all you can hear. Why does she always settle next to my beach towel? I really don’t care about your cheating brother in law, lousy service at the restaurant last night, or OB/GYN visit. You talk so loudly you’re consuming all of the oxygen in the air. You don’t care, because it’s always all about you. I want to rent one of those banner planes pulling a sign reading “B-E Q-U-I-E-T!!!” You’re drowning out my iPod, the laughter of my sand kicking kids, the sea gulls, the crashing waves. The entire Eastern Sea Board hears you. ENOUGH!!!!
Lastly, Summer traffic
Traffic is always bad here. In Summer, we all hop on the preferred Shore conduit, the Garden State Parkway. NJ’s the most densely populated state in the US, with a crazy percentage of us heading down the Shore each Friday, all on the Parkway. Huddled masses, jammed into the same roughly 60 miles, during rush hour, and… well, you do the math. Then reverse it Sunday night. NJ has the highest percentage of college grads among the population. For such an educated bunch, you’d think we’d have built an alternate route.
Wow. That really was cathartic! Thanks to Closet Writer for this chance to vent. I feel better already. Bring it, Saturday. Show me what you’ve got!