All moms should be divas...this one just happens to be in Jersey!

Friday, July 1, 2011

It Just Doesn't Need to Be This Long

I was trying to run a webinar from the comfort of my new office today, when who should come stumbling in but Son1 and Son2. Hubs had a lunch meeting, and for no reason I understand, the town’s summer program was not running this morning “for the holiday.” Sorry? Did we move to Canada last night? July Fourth is our day. MONDAY. They day I don't have a webinar scheduled with an overseas crew. So in the door they stroll (loudly), sent in by hubs with lunch to enjoy before heading to the lake, which is open for afternoon. Thank you, God.

While fumbling left and right with mute buttons and timing synchs, we also had a Mountain Dew explode on the conference table (“all by itself”) and then topple over onto a chair (“by accidentally”). Note to self: grammar tutor for the 13 year old, STAT. I’ve long bemoaned the insanely long summer vacation our kids get. If we’re falling behind every industrialized country in math and science, why the hell are my kids not IN SCHOOL.

To really grasp how long this crazy educational hiatus is, all 110640 minutes/ 1844 hours/ 76 days/ 10.857142857143 weeks of it, I will share with you the scale of what you could accomplish in this span were your kids not driving you insane:

Select your preferred activty:
  • Mix, bake, cool, and ice 31,239 cupcakes
  • Jetski from San Diego, California to Papua New Guinea 9.346 times
  • Welp a litter of puppies, and have 2 ½ weeks to spare
  • Walk the Appalachian Trail 2.27657 times. Go for 3.3891 times if you choose not to sleep.
  • Listen to the song American Pie 12,815 times
  • Watch 5,029 episodes of Sex and The City. I don’t know, I really think the Samantha character could get a little stale by episode 3,210, but that’s just me.
  • Ride “It’s A Small World” 10,537 times
  • Be arrested, arraigned, sentenced, serve 5 days and 1,000 community service after the violent spree that many rounds of “It’s A Small World” would trigger… and STILL have a week left
  • Read “War and Peace” 12.3 times.
  • Order Rosetta Stone, learn fundamental Russian, and read it in native language 1.7 times.
  • Get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop 3,951 times by licking only
  • Perform 1,053 liposuction procedures. Hey wait a minute, we may be on to something after all.
  • Create 623 really amazing dioramas, thus seeing your child and every child in your community through from Kindergarten through 5th grade.

And my personal summer vacation favorite:
  • Blend and drink 2,688 margaritas. I’ve adjusted this down from 3,688 to allow “sleep off time.” Without it the blender may get a little hazardous. Safety first!

Yet in reality, my 11 and 13 year old will be lucky to simply get through 2-3 summer reading books a piece, and avoid being trampled in a fit of rage by my Roomba-vacuum-wielding hubs, crazed at the sand in the house again from the lake’s beach. And it’s only July 1.

Now, again, I ask you…. Why the hell do they get ALL this time off???


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