AXE Body Wash- The tear gas of our times

One of the bittersweet things about your children aging is that while you are moving out of one stage for good, you are entering a new phase with new experiences, new chances to foster the adult they will be, and, you pray, less whining. My 12 yr old is in that tween phase where he is just on the verge of teen years. He wants so badly to be a teen he has psychosomatic puberty. He's asked me to get him Proactive, yet he has no blemishes. He has convinced himself he "had one hair" under his arm, and that he has something, anything, growing above his lip. It all sounds cute enough. But, physiologically, his body is also harboring the gag-inducing locker room smell. And just when I thought that was bad enough, along came the bane of my existence: AXE Body Wash.

How gross does it have to smell that the sweaty teen, after 3 hours of lacrosse, smells better BEFORE the shower? Parents of pre-teens & teens have smelled it-- most likely from 50 feet away. I can not imagine how middle & high school teachers deal with it when trapped behind closed doors immersed in the toxic fumes of a dozen or more boys. I'm sure records will indicate a soaring number of disability and workmens' comp claims since its original sale date. If you say I'm being melodramatic, I will counter you must have girls only and they must have no suitors aged 12-20 ... or you have lost your sense of smell. Perhaps from this nerve agent, and you never even knew the cause.

I think Saddam Hussein was plotting chemical warfare. They never found the weapons stores because he had instructed that it all be packaged in 12 ounce bottles with names like Chocolate, Phoenix, Dark Temptation. Tempted? Tempted to do what, self-induce asphyxia? "Tempted" to give to young female joggers in lieu of mace? or pepper spray? Its noxious fumes should be used to scatter protesters and break up hostage situations. Clearly, the next host country of a World Bank session should arm their police forces with this substance.

I've had to start a new migraine medicine in the past 6 weeks, right around the time the aptly named Silver Bullet came into my home. Disparate events? Oh, I truly think not. It is circumstantial only, but I have evidence that this is part of a vast corporate conspiracy designed to penetrate our nervous systems. It is a product of Unilever, the same company that brings you SlimFast. They try to convince us one stupid shake fills us for hours. They sell a product that actually makes us lose our appetites so we wouldn't notice the shake failed. Coincidence, or genius co-marketing? You decide.

There have always been certain fragrances that wooed young consumers. We'll call them gateway drugs fragrances. Sold in drug stores and supermarkets, they are accessible. I remember when I was young(er), there were all these cute perfumes to make us seem "grown up." Love's Baby Soft was the Chanel No5 of my set. Love's Lemon Soft, admittedly, jumped the scented shark. But they were sweet, powdery, and cute.

Then crafty marketers realized there was the whole guy/ emerging guy market. Boys had their own gateway fragrances, modelled mainly on what they were told Dad wore. You had your Aqua Velva, your Brut. Now these AXE toxins have muscled them all out with their horrid fumes. I think I just saw the poor Old Spice Guy drop is aisle 4. It comes into your home like contraband. I stroll the aisles for alternative, less gag-reflex-inducing brands, and yet, it appears. DO NOT be fooled by sample sizes. It's kind of like wasabi: A little goes further than you'd ever imagine.

There's a part of me that is a little misty at the thought of my sons growing up. As girls have entered the mix, I know I will be a nightmare for my sons' girlfriends. I'll want everything but DNA samples before they enter my home. Maybe there is a purpose to these fragrance force fields after all. It doesn't seem to bother him, but young girls must have much more delicate nasal passages, right? Well then, to my son, who douses himself in this toxic cloud to woo the chicas, I guess I will say I've changed my mind. "Go ahead, Honey. Lather up."