All moms should be divas...this one just happens to be in Jersey!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Dear Penn State... We're Done

Dear Penn State:
I'm not really sure how to start this, so I guess I'll just get right to the point. I'm breaking up with you. With heavy heart, I'm returning my degree.

Now before you get all ready for me to say, "It's not you, it's me," think again. It is you. I thought you had educated me well. I thought you were the kind of place I could recommend to friends, and now friends' children. Alas, unless it's just "For a good time, call (814)...," there'll be no more good will from me. All these years of total Penn State pride are now crumbling before me, for reasons I never saw coming. For now here I sit, a forty (something) year old woman, faced on a daily basis with children, mere wee babes, who know more than I do. On. every. single. topic. I can no longer get frustrated with their misguided whining, their pre-teen condescension. If by age twelve, my child boasts the wisdom to contradict everything I say, everything I assert, is there not a point at which I turn and listen to his endless interjections?

Clearly, the caliber of my education must be called in to question. What other explanation could there be for being of my age and yet so stupid compared to everything my kids say? For the money you charged, twelve year olds should not be rolling their eyes in disgust. They argue every statement I make including whether the sky is blue. Their little, "uh.. NO!" jibes leave their sting over time. It bothers me that my own kids are showing up my knowledge. I'm tired of being spoken to like a dufus. I want my money back. Ok, my parents' money- whatever- just give it back.

As if this all weren't humiliating enough, imagine the torment I face knowing that, according to them, "EVERYone knows ..." and "well NO ONE would ever..." How could I be so dumb, after thinking for all these years I was so smart? Frankly, I'm blaming it on you, dear Old State.

I vividly remember (as clearly as I remember anything in our time together) taking statistics courses, sociology, even Astronomy. All apparently were shams. Son1 has made it clear over and over again that the Earth revolves around him. So it looks like Galileo-Schmalileo to your flunkee Astronomy faculty and the students you scammed. I can't even imagine what other scholastic flaws my sons will root out in their teen years.

I wish this could be different. We had some great times. Some really great times. Look, maybe when some time has passed, I'll feel differently about you. When my sons are past their teen years and no longer speak to me like a know-nothing cash dispenser, I may feel more confident in my education's merits. We'll see. For now, please don't make this awkward by calling or emailing. I'm not donating to your fundraising. If you want to call, speak to Son1 or 2. They will share their omnipotence with anyone. You may want to consider a faculty spot actually. In their minds, they are truly brilliant.

~Jersey Diva Mom

PS- tell JoePa I said hi, and that I'm not breaking up with him. He passes the "know it all 12 year old" test, so things are cool for now.


  1. Could if be that Penn State is # 3 on the top party schools that curbed you education ?

  2. Brilliant. I learn much of what is to come from your posts. Lol

  3. Oh, I'm so glad it's NOT JUST ME! I have morphed into one of the biggest dorks known to teens and tweens, so I'm glad at least one other college-educated mom is in my club.

    I hear Pluto isn't even a plant anymore??!! Back in MY day it was.

  4. Planet....never WAS a plant!

  5. You never fail to entertain me!

  6. Twelve year old, huh...wait for 14, when they not only know it all, but it actually makes sense. My son likes to start his sentences with, "Fun fact for ya mom..." I know when I hear this I'm going to feel like a dummy. I'm in the process of getting my degree so shouldn't I have some extra special powers? Shouldn't the university have granted me a cape, Xray vision, something until I graduate so I can at least pretend I know something? Not so much.
    PS: I think you and me need to find a nice quiet place to finish our Twilight Saga without the little know-it-alls interrupting us!

  7. This is really funny. I always love tongue-in-cheek posts. I'm tweeting this!

  8. Man, you really told Penn State.

    Who knows, now maybe they'll start offering debating teenagers 101.

    That'd be a worthy education.

  9. hahahahaha! I am a fellow dufus. I've not heard of used that word in ages and man, I enjoyed it bunches.


  10. This reminds me of a story from my childhood - my older sister was doing her homework in grade school and my dad was helping her but not doing it the way she thought they should so she said, "I'll go ask mom, she went to the same school." (We attended the same grade school as my mom.)

  11. Hilarious! I know the day is coming where I will be seen as less-educated in the eyes of the kids, right now they are at the age where they hang on every word I say and like to repeat everything. Thanks for reminding me that I like this phase. And sorry it took me so long to catch up in the Mom Loop Comment thread!